There are only three reasons why you would (or should) be awake at 3:38am:
a) You are at the prime of your youth and possess an inhumane talent of pulling all-nighters binge-watching episode after episode of Netflix classics consuming your body weight in tea.
b) You are the literal definition of wild and you’re at the bar of a night club ordering two double gin and tonics, and probably disregarding the nagging thought that you’ll regret it in the morning.
c) You are having an existential crisis and your brain is running faster than Usain Bolt at the Olympics.
Usually, it’s the latter, though I am partial to a good night out. On a Friday night though because I’m a responsible adult who waits on tables on a Saturday night and all day on a Sunday. I couldn’t think of anything worse than to be serving food and drink whilst hung over.
It’s these thoughts that come at 3:38am that would never dare to cross your territory during the day whilst you’re typing away at a computer or enjoying a croissant in some over-priced coffee-house. If these thoughts do come during daylight, you know straightaway that you’re having a bad day.
Why does Ursula from the Little Mermaid have painted nails when she lives underwater? How does she put on said nail varnish when she is always in contact with water?
Why did you buy that Costa Coffee a few days ago? You do realise that £3 you spent on that mocha is the difference between affording university and being homeless, right?
When are you going to start learning the content for your A-Level exams? You should have started revising from the moment you were born if you have any chance of passing them, Catherine.
Who decided that we need to sleep when it’s dark? Why not during daylight? Or halfway between daylight and darkness? I love the night. I like it at 2am when no one is awake and you’re alone to do whatever your heart tells you to. You wouldn’t be able to hop on a train to London though at half 2 in the morning now, would you?
Hmmmmm… London. I do love London. What if London doesn’t love me? Don’t be silly, it’s a bloody city, not a person.
You definitely need to lose weight. Why did you need to eat a pack of ginger biscuits with your cup of tea? Oh my god, you have a spoonful of sugar in every cup of tea you have and you drink more tea than you’ve had hot meals. Think of your cholesterol, Catherine. Spoonful of sugar? Mary Poppins? Man, it’s been a while since I saw that film.
I’m really emotional about that time when I was eight years old and drew a smiley face on an apple that was a few days old when I was in school. My teacher shouted at me for wasting food that could have gone to an African child. Get a grip, Catherine – that was ten whole years ago.
I mean, I don’t actually care but I wonder how many people actually hate me and talk about me behind my back. I’d love to know. Yeah, but would you really? Hell yeah, I don’t conform to society. Man, I’m cool. Oh my god, I’m actually so bloody LAME! Who cares?
Remember that time you didn’t do your maths homework in year nine? That’ll be the entire reason why you’ll fail at life. … I got a B in GCSE maths though? Nope, doesn’t work like that.
What would you do if you saw Ryan Gosling in your garden right now? Ugh, marry me Ryan Gosling.
Imagine if you saw a llama reading a book or pushing a pram. What if food spoke to you? Hello I’m a courgette, please don’t eat me!
I should be Prime Minister. I have so many ideas that would make this country great. I mean, imagine lowered university fees. That would be heaven.
Maybe, you should actually go to sleep now, Catherine? You have approximately, errrr, four hours and twenty-two minutes til you need to be awake for college. Four hours and twenty-one minutes. Four hours, twenty minutes and thirty-four seconds…
*Hits snooze on alarm clock*